( CLOSED ) find a place you trust. try trusting it for a while.

[bayarm]

WHO: allura (juniberries) and shiro (bayarm)
WHERE: the castle of lions
WHEN: feb 5
WHAT: no one is happy about what happened on oros
WARNINGS: genocide, war, destruction, angst, sadness, maybe a hug



[ they've done all they could, but it wasn't nearly enough. one hundred lives saved, some trilk and some fek. one hundred of an entire planet. it's a bleak and hopeless thing and shiro is angry, but it's anger tempered by loss and exhaustion now. he has more questions than he can ask and a good idea already of the answers he'll be getting, namely none at all. he wants a shower, to sleep, for the last five days to never have happened, for a chance to go back and prevent the bombs from going off, to prevent the defense grid from being taken down, to prevent the loss of so many lives.

he can't do the latter, but the first two are on the agenda. not yet, though. first, he has to find allura, to make sure that she's okay. witnessing the loss of an entire planet and most of its population would hit anyone hard, but given her history, given her anger before, shiro is worried.

that, and maybe he needs someone to talk to, too. ]

Comments

[juniberries]

[There is something reassuring about the mutual weight, the physicality of it, knowing that there is a physical presence in the wake of all this loss. That she's not completely alone on this ship.

She knows he isn't arguing with her, but there is still a hardness to her voice that she doesn't try to mask. It is not towards him, but towards Eluvio's crew, the captain, those who reprimanded her for trying to take her own initiative with the rescue, those who caused the destruction in the first place.]

We may not have, but we would have saved more. Hundreds more. [But she knows the loss would still be the same, that there is no replacing a lost homeplanet, that not everyone would have been able to make it.

She also wonders if the outcome could have been different, had Voltron been here. Or had she tried to pour her quintessence into the planet though it was merely made of earth and not a living thing. Or had they been able to contain the nuclear explosions through some means--

There will always be a what-if. There's a small voice that echoes in her head that sounds like her father's voice, though she cannot be sure if he's ever said something like that.]

No relic could have been worth...this.

[bayarm]

I know.

[ that's what it boils down to in the end, isn't it? that it all seems not only pointless but wrong, that they haven't been told any of the reasons why going down there and disabling the defense grid was even asked of them, of anyone. why the crew wants or needs the relic. it bothered shiro before; now with the consequences it had, he feels impossibly angry and utterly exhausted all at once. if he thought screaming would help, that's what he'd do, but he knows better. the pain of it is itching under his skin and settling in his bones, and he doesn't know how to get it out. maybe he'll just have to leave it there, let it seep into him until he learns to live with this, too.

he wishes he didn't have to. he wishes no one had to, that none of this had ever happened, but wishing doesn't make it so. shiro knows that all too well. so all he can do is sit here, mute for a long moment while he leans against allura and lets her lean against him in return. ]

Maybe we could have found a way to do more, if we'd had more information. [ there's bitterness in his tone, for all that it's quiet. now it's too late. ]

[juniberries]

[She's quiet for a long while, the weariness settling further and further into her bones as she thinks of the Trilk and Fek on board the Eluvio, scared, sad, frightened. There's the desire to think 'well, at least we saved some,' but some can never replace the life they once had.

Plus she feels...incredibly guilty for having labeled the Trilk as brutes upon first impressions. And now the crew will look to her and the rest of her mission team as 'experts' on the Trilk, the one people will go to with questions or concerns. Someone who will mitigate any issues there may be trying to integrate these aliens among the crew. It gives her a sense of purpose, but it could have been prevented.

Still leaning against Shiro, holding his weight up just as he's holding hers, she rubs her forehead, looking down at the floor as she speaks. She catches the bitterness in his tone, a mirror of her own.]

We likely could have. But it is too late for that, and too late for Oros and its natives. It is-- [Like Altea all over again. But she won't say it out loud.

And then, there's the creeping edge, the suspicion.] For all we know, this could have been the intent of our captors.

[bayarm]

[ at least they saved some — it's a bandaid across a gaping wound, nothing that can really remedy the loss of so many, of an entire planet and everything and everyone on it. again, shiro is reminded of the galra empire, of how they take what they want and destroy what they don't.

only this time, it wasn't the galra. it was the eluvio that made it possible, in the end. the thought of it makes him sick. he might not have planted those bombs himself, he might not have been the one who deactivated the defense grid or gave the orders, but he hadn't stopped any of it, either. he couldn't have; he hadn't known. it still feels awful. ]

Maybe.

[ captors implies they brought them here on purpose, too. it's a possibility shiro is still considering. ] I don't know if it was. I don't know anything about command here, and I don't trust them, either. Even if it wasn't their intent, they just took.

And made us the tools to do it.

[juniberries]

[There's the desire to cry, or at the very least shed tears, but she won't allow herself to do it. Again, things would be different were this conversation with Coran, but Shiro is not him, so the desire to remain strong in the face of annihilation remains, even if it's the weight of his shoulder against hers that is ultimately holding her up.

She remains looking at the ground of the ship when he mentions the idea of them having been tools, and it mirrors just what she's been thinking. They had all gone along with this mission. There were those who infiltrated the Trilk's base to retrieve the relic. It was them who had set the bombs off, and it's a weight of responsibility to this destruction that even the logic of her having no way of being able to foresee this cannot change the facts.

Resting her head against Shiro's shoulder, Allura allows herself a moment of weariness.]

Perhaps...had I tried what I did on the Balmera, I might have been able to fix this.

[And then there is that usual edge to her voice, eyes opening, brows knitting together as she stares straight ahead.]

We must not allow this to happen again. Even if we are not in command, we must still try to do what is right.

[bayarm]

[ shiro doesn't feel in any less lost, less pained, but his eyes remain as dry as his throat. he doesn't remember the last time he cried, though he thinks he must have, during captivity. either that, or the time there had just sucked him dry. he isn't sure which option is worse. ]

I don't think even you could have stopped nuclear bombs once they started going off, Allura. [ and he finds that he's glad she didn't try. he can't imagine what he would have done if he'd lost her, and when allura puts her head on his shoulder, he settles one arm around her shoulders, hand tight on her upper arm for a moment in a silent gesture of - solidarity? a reminder that he's here? shiro isn't so sure himself. ]

I know. We will. [ try, at least. ]

[juniberries]

[Regardless of what he intended of that gesture, she does feel her body relaxing, again, grateful that she's not alone in this, that despite the circumstances she's glad Shiro is here. The first few days after being brought to the Eluvio, the mice had been a small comfort of solidarity.

And they too have come out of the woodwork to lay at her and Shiro's feet.]

I could have tried. [But she knows he's right. There's that stubbornness, though, to believe she could have done more. She remains quiet for a good minute or so, forgoing formalities to wrap her arms around him, giving him her own hug of solidarity before pulling back after a long moment, posture straightening as she gathers herself. Her hand remains at his shoulder, firm.] Are...you doing okay, Shiro?

[bayarm]

[ allura's arms around him are a reminder how strong she is — stronger than him physically, and easily so, but strong not only in that sense of the word. the temptation to drop his head forward and just rest for a moment is strong, but shiro knows better. he can't put that on her, and besides, resting has been a difficult thing for him ever since he's escaped galra captivity. ]

I'm not great, but — [ he lifts his shoulders in a shrug, straightening up as well when she pulls back, both hands spreading out in a vague gesture meant to encompass that he isn't the one who suffered, he isn't the one who lost most of his species.

allura knows what that's like better than he does. ] I should be asking you that question.

[juniberries]

[She knows what he's thinking, or at least, has an inkling of it. Looking away once more, she gathers herself.]

I am managing. But this was not Altea, and I know that the crew and the Trilk will be looking to me and the rest of the research team to help with survivors. That will help keep me focused on the here and now.

[Even if Altea's loss does sit heavy still in her heart.]

You were down on Oros as well, helping with survivors.

[bayarm]

[ shiro nods, smiling a little. it's not a happy expression by any means, since there's nothing to be happy about, but it's — it's something. she'll be all right, he thinks, and so will he. they'll soldier on, at any rate, and these days, that's almost the same thing for shiro. ]

Let me know if you need any help, all right?