starlogs | [open] lately i'm feeling like a big bang

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[open] lately i'm feeling like a big bang

WHO: Marco; Ax + OPEN
WHERE: Various
WHEN: immediately following orientation
WHAT: Marco is getting his bearings on the ship and trying to figure out some strategy. Which includes making friends. Hopefully.
WARNINGS: Will be noted in subject lines if applicable.

[i. shopping center]

[It's so Rachel, heading straight to the shopping center after getting out of orientation, but he's trying not to think about that too much. Orientation. It still seems completely insane, abruptly waking up in a creepy glass tube on a spaceship the size of...well, it's huge. And being told that he's here because it's a side effect of the engines. Seriously. Why keep using the engines if this is the side effect?

So it's time to go in search of three very important things when a guy needs to get his mind off things - a food court, a movie theatre, and an arcade. Marco can be found at any of these three places for the first half-day of his stay on the Eluvio, somehow managing to ignore reality, vent his frustration, and gather intel all at the same time.]

[ii. black market]

[It actually takes Marco about five minutes to realize he's in an actual black market, because aren't they supposed to be way harder than this to find? Like, door in a secluded back alley with a suspicious slit in the door where you have to do a coded knock then speak a password?

It's actually the organs that clue him in - nasty lumps of flesh and blood in little jars or futuristic energy fields, and only some of them human. That's when he realizes that going down the little hallway with the red triangle while scoping around looking for the hangar was probably not the greatest idea ever.

Or maybe the opposite.]

Whoa, holy crap, is this like, a holographic projector or something?

[And he's leaning excitedly over the edge of the table, probably about to get swindled pretty bad.]

[iii. hangar bay]

[Finally, he ends up in the hangar bay, wanders around for a bit before stooping to asking for directions, and eventually ends up in one of the bays intended for cargo ships and the like. And there she is. The Rachel.

A viciously beautiful ship shaped like a swept-forward crescent moon, dangerous and quick. And, as far as he can tell, his. It might not be nine million dollars, but it's definitely something.

Speaking to no one in particular, he waves a hand toward it across the bay.]

Is that not the nicest looking ship ever?

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<It is a Yeerk ship.>

[He'd been wondering how and when to approach Marco. How does someone behave around someone they haven't spoken to in months, in a situation like this? There's no precedence for this. Years ago they would have been commiserating immediately, trying to figure out the purpose behind this and making plans to make things right, but now...

Now the best he can do is hope they have any common ground left.]

<Why would you name such a thing after her?>

[It catches him a little off-guard, that question, and he catches his breath, turning to look at the Andalite beside him, as delicate and graceful as he always is in his natural form. Marco bites his lip, averting dark eyes and then looking back up at the ship.

Now that Ax has pointed it out, he can't help but see all the things about the ship that look Yeerkish - the vicious shape, the Dracon cannons, the red highlights, the dark metal. It sends a little shiver down his spine, and he keeps his eyes averted.]

It wasn't me, Ax-man. I might've named us, but I didn't name her. It was Tobias.

[A little breath, and he closes his eyes, tries to squash down the weird surge of emotion in him.]

When we stole her, Jake and I, and Tobias. He said...the ship is dangerous and beautiful and exciting. Just like her.

[Ax deflates a little. Far be it from him to judge Tobias's choices when it came to Rachel.]

<It... is fitting, when you put it that way.>

[He doesn't know what to add to that, so he decides to ask the more pertinent question.]

<What were you doing with a Yeerk ship in the first place?

[It's kind of a relief that Ax drops it, because Marco can't think of any way that conversation gets easier. Then again, Ax's question doesn't exactly make much easier either.

Marco lifts a hand, abruptly tired, and rubs at his forehead. He feels like he's about 50 right now.]

We stole it.

<You stole it.>

[Ax sends a particularly unimpressed eyestalk Marco's way. He knows Marco well enough to tell that he's stalling, which means there must be something about the ship that he's reluctant to talk about. Or, at least, to talk to Ax about. Which is frustrating and also kind of stings a little.]

<Why did you, Tobias, and Prince Jake steal a Yeerk ship and name it after Rachel, Marco?>

Look, it wasn't my idea. It was Jake's.

[Maybe it comes out a little defensively, but if it does, that's only because Ax's eyestalk swivel is totally uncalled for. Marco's not sure if the expression is because of the stealing part, the Yeerk ship part, or the naming it Rachel part, or because he's really obviously stalling, and he also isn't sure at what point he figured out how to so clearly read Andalite stalk eye expressions. Either way, it doesn't really matter, because Ax is obviously displeased.

It's just that it's so awkward to explain.]

See, it's a long story. We needed to get off Earth. And into space.

[A laugh, and he clears his throat.]

Kelbrid space. So, you know, it couldn't be an Andalite ship and Andalites couldn't be involved, we totally had to steal it.

[Marco shrugs, and tries very hard to leave it at that.]

You would not believe how good a pilot I am now. You wanna take a joyride?

[Kelbrid space. Marco and Tobias and Jake had to steal a Yeerk ship specifically to go into Kelbrid space without being associated with Andalites, and Marco is dragging his feet explaining why.

Ax actually looks at him. He turns his face away from the ship and trains all four of his eyes on Marco, and pauses for a long moment.]

<What aren't you telling me, Marco?>

[Oh crap.

When Marco lifts his chin and Ax is looking at him with his main eyes and his stalk eyes, he can't help but shift uncomfortably on his feet. Bite his lip. It's stupid, he feels like he's 13 again, awkward and tongue-tied. He definitely doesn't like it.

Eventually, he sighs, softly, shaking his head and giving Ax a weak smile.]

We were looking for you, Ax-man.

[Ax's eyes narrow.]

<I was on a mission for the Andalite military to track down Yeerk stragglers. Why would you be looking for me in Kelbrid space?>

[There's agitation in his body language the more he talks, not entirely out of anger now. He's not an idiot, and Marco's reluctance is helping him piece something together.

Something must have happened. Something major, to risk violating treaty by sending out the Animorphs. His hearts stutter to think of it, but with where he remembers them last being--chasing after Yeerks--there weren't a whole lot of outcomes he could think of that would warrant such a thing.

He knows, at least, that he's not a Controller. Now. But something isn't adding up.]

<Spit it out, Marco.> [Look at him, using human idioms for effect!!!]

Yeah. I mean, if you want to call the Blade Ship some Yeerk stragglers, I mean, that ship is pretty intense...

[But then Ax is telling him to spit it out and Marco's voice trails off. He lifts a hand and waves it, as if he could wave away the topic, but the truth is, there's no brushing it off. Ax is obviously agitated, he knows something's off, and Marco can't really drag this out. The last thing he needs is an agitated Andalite, and at this point Ax is probably getting geared up for the worst possible scenario.

Which Marco's probably about to top.]

Um. About 7 months ago, Menderash came back to Earth with news that the Intrepid had boarded an uninhabited alien vessel, where you found polar bear hairs. The vessel fired on the Intrepid, which lost all hands except Menderash and the boarding party. The Blade Ship emerged from inside the alien vessel and was last seen headed for Kelbrid space.

[Pausing, he takes a deep breath, bites on his lower lip, lifts one hand to the back of his neck, where he closes his fingers around the roots of the hair at the nape of his neck and gives a firm tug. The sharp little stings of pain at the roots of his hair gives him something to focus on, something to take his mind off what he's about to say. What he's said. What it's going to do to Ax. He exhales, slow and even.]

So Jake, Tobias, Menderash, a couple of Jake's human morphing students, and I all hijacked the Rachel and went after you. I mean. It's not like we were just gonna leave you.

Edited 2016-12-20 02:17 (UTC)

[Ax is simply silent for a long time. Marco's reticence to reveal all the details is doing a number on his mind. All he can think about is that at last knowledge he was probably on the Blade Ship, and there are really only a few things that could mean.

And it would explain why Marco didn't want to talk about it.

It all makes sense, and he feels sick. With one exception: why doesn't he remember any of this? But does that really matter? There's no reason Marco would lie to him about something like this. And if he really met Menderash... Menderash is a man of integrity. Ax can trust his word as well.

He sways slightly as he struggles to process; it's the only outward indication how unsettled he is.]

<I was captured by Yeerks.> [It's not a question.]

[Marco is silent, and honestly...not even he can make a joke about this. Can't complain, can't really say anything. Ax is swaying on his feet a little bit, and Marco reaches out to him. It's instinct, closing his hand against one of Ax's narrow shoulders and squeezing, carefully. It's just as much to comfort himself as it is to comfort Ax - it's a relief to feel the solid presence of his friend, the warm fur under his palm.

But he knows Ax isn't big on touch, that Andalites don't really comfort each other that way, so he drops his hand and fidgets for a second before bringing it back into the hair at the nape of his neck, tugging, trying to figure out what to say.

When Ax asserts that he was captured by Yeerks, Marco's chin jerks up, abruptly.]

No. Not really. It was a new threat. Something called The One, that claimed you were part of it. Not dead. Not taken by the Yeerks. Ax...

[His voice is small and breathless and he hates that it is, hates that he can't smirk and make a joke, hates how raw and vulnerable it is, how obvious that his heart is hammering again just like it was when he saw Ax's face on that screen.]

We're gonna get you back, man. You're not dead. You're not gone.

[It's true that Ax is uncomfortable with touch, but he doesn't flinch away, recognizing the gesture for what it is. And to be honest, he needs help staying steady right now.

But the emotion he can hear in Marco's voice snaps him to awareness. He knows Marco better than most people in the universe; this is true between all the Animorphs. He recognizes what Marco is doing.

And he knows that in his own way Marco can be just as stubborn and irrational as any human. As any being.]

<Marco.> [His voice is gentle.] <I remember boarding the ship and finding the polar bear fur. But I have no memory of anything else you've told me. Not of finding the Blade Ship or this One entity.>

[He lets the implication hang. Truthfully the idea is a comfort. Better dead than a prisoner of the Yeerks, or whatever other evil might be out there.]

[It's obvious how uncomfortable Ax is - he's still swaying a little, he doesn't pull away from the touch. But then his main eyes snap up to Marco's face and he says Marco's name in that tone of voice that makes all the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

Marco hates that voice. Gentle. Pitched soft somehow, even in thought speak. He knows the careful phrasing, the way Ax restates the facts. Breaking it to him gentle, and he hates it. The hand at his side clenches into a fist, and then the fingers in his hair do, twisting up a handful of it and then twisting, yanking on it a little harder while his brows furrow in the middle and he shoots Ax a momentarily hard look.]

Look, just because you don't remember it doesn't mean you're dead.

[He barely manages to stop himself from asking Ax not to patronize him, to tell him he's not some kind of wounded kid in denial about a dead friend. Marco's nails are digging into his palm, and suddenly he can't look at Ax.]

There's no evidence you died. If we could stop The One and get you back, if there was any way, we were going to...

[So, that didn't work. Ax is shifting now for an entirely different reason, out of discomfort.

Marco has always been practical. Maybe Ax can appeal to his logic. (He's not even sure why he's become so fixated on making him see reason, here.)]

<Marco, how long was I missing, from your perspective?>

[For a long few moments, Marco chews on the inside of his lip, still pulling at the hair at the back of his head, dark eyes locked on Ax. Chest rising and falling heavily, he stares at him for a moment, then his mouth falls open and he waves his free hand.]

Wow, Ax-man, you are really invested in this whole being dead thing. Is there something you're not telling me?

[It comes out flippant and flat all at once. It's a bad joke, because none of this is funny, and Marco drops his hands back down to his sides, starts pacing.]

Just over seven months, okay?

[Ax just waits for Marco to work out his agitation. He's strangely calm about this, and he's not sure why. Perhaps there is a sort of peace to know for sure your fate, even if it is as soon and as ignominious as this.

He waits until Marco is not looking at him. Maybe that will make it a little easier.]

<What is the most likely explanation for my not experiencing seven of your months? At the least?

[He hopes the old joke will ease the tension at least a little.]

They're everyone's months, Ax. They're your months!

[It explodes out of him, and it's only then that he realizes how much tension he's been holding in his chest and belly, and unbidden, clear, and from someplace outside himself, the thought comes to him that he didn't react like this when Rachel died. He wonders why he didn't, what makes this different. Is it that Ax is here right in front of him? Is it that there's nothing final about this? That he didn't watch Ax get torn apart like Rachel did? That there was no body, no closure, no solution?

And what other "death" does that remind him of?

Marco's chest is rising and falling heavily, his breath coming through clenched teeth, his fists are at his sides, and then he lifts his chin and his expression is calm even if his eyes are fierce and dark.]

Most likely explanation? I don't know. Probably that you died. But Ax, when was the last time the most likely expectation was true for us, huh? I spent almost a year out there looking for you, I left behind everything I had, looking for you. You don't just get to decide you're dead and give up on me. Got it?

Edited 2016-12-21 06:41 (UTC)

[Ax just waits quietly until Marco fizzles out, and then is silent for some long moments after that. Finally, he looks up to meet Marco's eyes, and then he smiles in a sad, subtle way.]

<We are soldiers, Marco. We always knew this could happen. I never asked you to come after me.>

Fine.

[It comes out far more bitter and irritated than he'd like, and his dark eyes stay locked on Ax's face, expression hard.]

You want to believe you're dead, then go for it. Do whatever works for you, Ax-man.

[Exhaling hard, he keeps staring at Ax, his heart pounding because that sad smile hurts more than it has any right to.]

I'll do what works for me. My mom didn't ask me to save her either.

[Ax's eyes widen, then narrow. He's not even going to touch how Marco's obsession with protecting his family nearly cost them the war effort, once. (Or maybe he should. Clearly, it's a recurring problem.)]

<You knew she was alive, as a Controller. You saw her that way.>

[Privately, he imagines not believing the Animorphs when they told him Elfangor was dead. What hopeless mission would that have led him on? He'd only barely come to terms with never exacting revenge on Esplin as it was. Marco needs to realize that the closure he wants likely isn't possible.]

[Marco doesn't need to hear it to know what Ax is thinking, and it rankles. The hairs a the back of Marco's neck stands on end, for a moment, he's suffused with some terrible emotion, a mix of shame and anger, his fists clench harder. Nails digging into the palms of his own hands, Marco chews on the inside of his lower lip, keeps his mouth shut until Ax says that he knew his mother was alive, as a Controller.

And the implication isn't lost on him. For a moment, he frowns, glaring down at his own feet.]

Yeah. Sure. And eight years ago my mom went missing at sea, and there was no body. So my dad and I grieved and tried to move on and failed to move on and let it change us, and you know what? She came back.

[Lifting his chin, he looks at Ax for a long moment, holding contact with the Andalite's main eyes.]

Not a mistake I'm going to make again. Especially when I know you're not gone.

Edited 2016-12-24 06:45 (UTC)

[For a moment something old and stubborn in Ax wants to keep arguing. Marco is sensible, pragmatic, in a way the rest of their group wasn't. They frequently saw eye to eye on things that everyone else didn't; sometimes they were the only ones in agreement on certain things.

But Marco is also stubborn, and while Ax still thinks of himself as a fool he is wiser than he used to be, and knows when to pick his battles.

He is silent for a few long moments, still, before he lowers his own eyes to the floor.]

<Perhaps you're right. In any case, it doesn't matter now.>

[Marco is never sure if it's a good or bad thing that the Animorphs all know each other so well - it's even more fuzzy right now. Because he can tell Ax is just dropping the conversation, and, even worse, he's disappointed in Marco. And Marco knows why, too. Knows exactly why.

He and Ax are almost always on the same side of the most tangled problems the Animorphs have. They're the ruthless, pragmatic ones. The ones who don't get tied up in morality and second-guess every little thing unless it's to make sure the plan works. And now, Ax thinks Marco has gone soft. That he's letting emotions get in the way, that he's deluding himself, making things up to comfort himself.

For a moment, Marco stares at Ax with his brows furrowed and his eyes hard and his fists clenched, and he resists the urge to shove Ax (it wouldn't do any good, he wouldn't fall over) or punch him (it would be too much, given how much stronger human torsos are). Every fibre of him is screaming to lash out, but he just clenches his jaw and glares instead, dark eyes hot.]

Think what you want. I saw your face right before I showed up here. Heard your voice. You weren't gone.

Edited 2016-12-30 05:57 (UTC)

[Ax's eyes jerk back up to meet Marco's once again, and his time he knows, finally, that this is what Marco has been keeping from him.

Finally.

He's silent for several moments, in shock.]

<You saw me?>

[But he doesn't remember this. But Marco had said that he wasn't a Controller. So, then, what was he? Why does he have no idea? Why doesn't he remember?

The full force of what Marco's been telling him finally hits him all at once. All of a sudden he feels very small, in a way he hasn't since he was a child, the last time he'd admitted to himself he doesn't actually know how the universe works. Whatever happened to him is beyond his understanding, and apparently beyond Marco's, and now they have no way to find out.

And apparently they'll have to live with that.]

[For a moment, Marco is completely still, eyes slightly narrowed, watching Ax's reaction. And he sees it, all those nuances he's come to learn from spending so much time with the Andalite - the shifting of body language in Ax's deer-like lower body, the hunch of his torso, the combination of natural Andalite body language and acquired human body language that makes up Ax.]

Yeah, I saw you. You think I ditched my great job, two houses, multiple cars, and millions of dollars on some stupid wild goose chase out into the middle of nowhere on a hunch? My man, I am not that much of a power of friendship kind of guy. Seriously.

[Deep down, Marco knows it's not really true. That Ax is probably dead, absorbed into whatever The One is, that he's probably gone forever, that all of it was a waste. Knows that he and Jake and Tobias and all the rest are about to be dead. That yeah, he is that much of a power of friendship type guy, that he never could've left Ax alone and captured by the Blade Ship by himself without trying to help. Without trying to find him.

But like hell he's going to just say that.]

Man, I do not do lost causes.

[It's not true, and they both know it.]

[They do both know it. Ax's shoulders slump, another bit of body language that he picked up from humans. This... whatever it is... whatever happened, it's not something that he can fight against. It's too much information at once, at a time and place where there's not anything he can do about it. He's not even sure he really believes it.

It's not a feeling he likes. He doesn't know where he is now, he doesn't know where he is back home--he takes a step back unconsciously before he realizes what he's doing, and squares himself up. Putting up a seamless front is something they're both good at.]

<Thank you for telling me, Marco. I would like to take some time to process this on my own.>

[It happens without Marco thinking about it - he reaches out and squeezes Ax's narrow shoulder, his hand strong. It's all the comfort he can offer, because he's feeling that weird disconnected blank feeling he gets sometimes when everything is too much. Like after Rachel died. Like after any of the times he wasn't sure if his mom lived or if she'd died and it had been his fault.

But then Ax is stepping back and asking for space, and Marco gets it. He really does. He probably needs space too, except his ears are ringing and he's kind of staring with this stupid half-smile on his face, expression frozen. It's really hitting him, now, the profound screwed-upness of this situation. Seeing it in Ax, who always seems so composed, so graceful, really drives it home.

Marco lets out a shuddery breath.]

Okay, Ax-man.

[It's cautious, a little hesitant, because whether or not Marco gets it, it sets off alarm bells to be alone in this place and have Ax not hanging out close by so they can watch each others' backs.]

Keep in touch, though, okay? I don't want to lose track of you again.

<Of course. I find I prefer the atrium to my assigned quarters. It will be easy to find me there.>

[It's probably not necessary, but with the tension in the air he can't stop himself from adding:]

<It will be like when I was in the forest by Cassie's barn.>

[Marco's hand drops, but he refuses to let his eyes drop, just keeps looking at Ax as he nods a bit.]

Sure thing, Ax-man.

[And then, Marco licks his lips, waves his hands, offers a smirk, and heads off toward the Rachel, waving over his shoulder as he goes. All he really wants is to lose himself in a video game for a while.]

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[open] lately i'm feeling like a big bang

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