[closed]

[existentialcrisis]

WHO: Koumyou, Ukoku, and Kurama
WHERE: Oros
WHEN: January 11
WHAT: Gamma mission "There's no sense in getting killed by a plant," also probably known as "try smoking it"
WARNINGS: n/a p...robably


[ Kurama probably doesn't deserve this. Ukoku probably doesn't either, but in a different way: he's having a great time right now, hogging the map and abusing their equipment to see if it'll scan things it wasn't meant to scan. Will they make it through this without irreparably destroying something (their reputations, prematurely, perhaps)? It is a mystery. ]

Comments

[herbalsupplements]

[Kurama's coming out of this armed to the teeth if they don't fail horribly, and to that end he's willing to put up with a great deal, including odd company with a questionable work ethic. At first that's less important than getting set up--he makes very sure he knows how to operate the sample-gathering equipment--but once that's done he sees no more reason to dawdle.]

Based on the information we've been given, our best bet for our more common targets is to plot a course that will allow us to encounter O-6F8 on the way to O-7G7. Does anyone have a better idea? [More like: is anyone paying attention?]

[straycloud]

We should give them cute names.

[ Koumyou was... not actually paying attention, but he caught that there was a question at the tail end. The context is questionable, but he thinks he has a good idea. He'd heard those awful names being used, at least.

It's a start. ]

[herbalsupplements]

[That's--Kurama can't even argue with that, he's been considering the possibility of assigning names to alien plants since he found out about the mission.]

I don't know if "cute" is the right direction for most of them, but certainly something more memorable than a string of characters. Did you have anything specific in mind?

[straycloud]

[ Wait.

Wait. Koumyou looks faintly surprised as if he hadn't expected Kurama to roll with that suggestion so easily. Well, okay! He'll just keep it going, and defend his preference. ] Let's see, you want it to be descriptive, right? Feathery, spiky, wiggly, and fluffy.

[ He needs to be overrode ASAP. ]

[herbalsupplements]

[A warning bell is going off in Kurama's head, the one that sounds when he's indulging idiots, but since half the time that sort of thing results in fun for Kurama and suffering for other people rather than the other way around, he stays the course.]

Those are descriptive, but they don't tell us what they're describing. [He pulls up the picture of 7G7 on his communicator to illustrate his point, somehow managing not to look completely awkward when he holds his wrist out so Koumyou can see.] The spiky one looks like a morning star, for example, so we might base its name on that.

[Spoiler alert: he wants to give them all scary names.]

[existentialcrisis]

[ SOMETIME LATER, when they've found the very rare specimen which may by now have been named Fluffy or Kurama's preferred scary name, Ukoku is taking samples. He's privately calling it The Very Last Plant of Its Kind, because he's absolutely murdering it to get them. RIP @ this planet. Science! ]

What should I make the answer to the newspaper puzzles this week? I've been thinking about writing notes to the captain.

[ Nice notes. Flattering notes. Borderline creepy notes. If he gets fired he'll just couch-surf and mooch, which is fine, until he inevitably gets someone to hire him for something more fun/unethical. ]

[herbalsupplements]

"Sorry I killed your live sample" would be a good start.

[It's taking more of Kurama's willpower than he cares to admit to stand back while Ukoku butchers Fluffy (which Kurama hasn't actually been able to think of a scarier name for than "cat dick"). He knows he can put it on life support if necessary, repair whatever damage to make it a whole and viable plant, but he shouldn't have to.

A bit of tough, rigid scale flies away from the stalk and toward Kurama's face; he snatches it out of the air and tries really really hard not to sigh.]

[existentialcrisis]

[ Is he? Is he sorry? He's working a little more carefully—almost too carefully, like he's joking—now that his work's being scrutinized, at least. ]

That's not bad. It sounds good without context.—These seeds are really stuck in here. [ Excuse him while he jabs at this poor plant's soft insides. Anyway, ] Maybe you should be the puzzle editor!

[herbalsupplements]

[No one ever said he had to actually be sorry, now did they? Kurama tucks the bit of stalk away in his hair while Ukoku continues his plant mutilation.]

I'd only get fired for triple-encrypting the word jumbles. May I? [He gestures at Ukoku's stabby little seed extractor, which he is reasonably certain the documentation said not to use like that.]

[existentialcrisis]

Really? I wonder if that'd be a problem.

[ He hands the extractor over and makes himself comfortable. He's not quite in Kurama's personal space, but he's close enough to idly try to peel another scale off the outer skin of the plant while he's sitting there. ]

Do you triple-encrypt things at the job they gave you?

[herbalsupplements]

I breed and modify cheese molds at the job they gave me, so the encryption is automated.

[As he speaks, he lines the pointy end of the extractor up with another seed and pushes a button; the little notches on either side split the mouth of the extractor into segments that slip into the thin casing around the seed and pull it in with almost no effort. So easy an amateur could do it, if said amateur actually cared to try.]

What about more number puzzles? [He's just going to ignore Ukoku's picking for the moment--it can't hurt the plant much more than he already has, and it might keep him busy for a few precious moments.]

[straycloud]

[ Koumyou leans in, nodding thoughtfully. They're hunting down rare plants in a desert hellscape (delightfully not cold, though!) and this debate seems to be worthwhile.

Well, maybe it'll pay off for them later. ] Morning star sounds too long, but starry might be nice.

[herbalsupplements]

It's shorter than "bird of paradise", and that's been the name of a plant for a very long time. Besides, "starry" is another descriptor and ignores the toxicity. [Which gives Kurama an idea! He is clearly the smartest member of this little expedition, there can be no doubt.] What about "poison star"? And you can call it Starry for short.

[straycloud]

Perfect! One down, and- ah, how many were there, again?

[ Okay, now he's openly just fucking with him. ]

[herbalsupplements]

Enough to keep us busy. [If Koumyou's going to act like even more of an airhead than he's managed to seem so far, Kurama's just going to enter the name "poison star" in their notes for 7G7 and take the win.] 12T looks like it might easily be called a burning flail, don't you think? The one you call "wiggly".

[straycloud]

Flailing is so much more energetic. That's no good. [ Kurama's patience is outstanding, and it's starting to become a matter of some curiousity.

Which isn't to say a high priest would ever resolve to engage in a campaign of being increasingly useless until he's scolded. Absolutely not. ]

[herbalsupplements]

That's why I'm talking about the noun rather than the verb. [Kurama meanders over to what appears to be a scrubby little patch of grass as he speaks and begins inspecting it. It doesn't smell of any poisons or irritants, and the leaves don't seem particularly sharp... He wonders if he could weave some into a giant toddler leash and convince Koumyou to let himself be dragged along while they get this mission on the road.]

Is your weapon vocabulary so limited, or are you always this pedantic? [And he still sounds patient about it! Acting!]

[existentialcrisis]

No no, wait, I want hear more about cheese molds. [ Nothing about this appears to be sarcasm, but instead of actually asking about cheese molds, he's just going to immediately be rude and pry: ]

It doesn't seem like the kind of work someone your age would have fun with. Do you like it?

[herbalsupplements]

It can get tedious, but modifying the molds at the most fundamental level to suit my purposes--in this case to properly recreate the aging process of certain Earth cheeses, as well as to prepare new cheeses from different resources as we continue through space--is uniquely satisfying.

[He really likes playing god with plants and fungi, okay? And collecting seeds apparently, he's already got several more in the seed extractor just while he was talking.]

One of the molds we have in the early stages of development is intended to turn cheese naturally purple.

[existentialcrisis]

Really? Is that so you can trick people into thinking it's something else?

[ This might be a "what's the purpose of purple cheese" question, but it, too, sounds pretty straightforward.

He was just picking at his plant-scale-thing harmlessly, but now he's leaning back against the plant itself. He's probably just being thoughtless. A high priest would never resolve to engage in a campaign of being increasingly useless until he's scolded. ]

[herbalsupplements]

No, it's just to see if we can make edible purple cheese. [This is the same company that thinks novelty flavored mushrooms are a profitable idea, so it's not that big a leap.

Even Kurama's patience is getting a little frayed by this point, though, so when Ukoku just kicks back like there's nothing else to do, Kurama decides to offer up a helpful suggestion.]

If you want to be helpful, you can taste test one of the pieces you've already removed to see if it's as refreshing as our information suggests.