starlogs | ( closed ) sometimes your best isn't good enough

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( closed ) sometimes your best isn't good enough

WHO: Jim Kirk, Leonard McCoy, Jughead Jones
WHERE: a shuttle, Oros, and back at the Eluvio
WHEN: February 1st-4th
WHAT: Oros rescue mission
WARNINGS: Aside from the given planet destruction and Jim getting injured ~~again~~, I don't expect anything else.

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Jim was about to argue that some things didn't need fixing, but that would steer the conversation away from the light and playful tone they'd set up, and he was rather liking that. So instead, he acquiesced. "Fine. Since you insist, we'll take care of these bruises first. You can me look like a proper captain again instead of a— what was it you call me once? Oh, right. An alley cat."

Not that he'd been especially offended because... well, at the time, Bones had had a point. He looked like a mess far too often during their Academy days, but Bones had always been there to patch him up. Jim liked that he still did that. A lot, actually.

"You ass," he said through a chuckle, poking at Bones's side as they stepped into a lift that would take them to the hangar. "The Enterprise has managed to withstand my ego more than well so far, I'm sure the Eluvio would be just fine too."

"Damn alley cat I should never have picked up off the streets. Mama always warned me about stray cats and lettin' them follow me home." And where that comment made him suddenly miss his mother terribly, he covered that sting with a smile. "Granted, she loves the hell out of you so I guess I can't even use that as proof no more."

Chuckling in return, he stared at Jim a long moment before turning to face him. He honestly had mixed feelings about just dumping praise on Jim. Everyone else did, but then turned around and slapped him down with negative shit. And god knew the admiralty loved messin' with him.

"So you say." Not that he was going to point out any times the ship pretty much got beaten up or injured so to speak. Those moments she was at her worst not even he wanted to think about. Reaching up, he lightly cuffed under Jim's chin with hsi knuckles before rolling his eyes. "So what do you want me to do, Jim? Sing your praises and tell you what I really feel?"

"I'd tell you to try and toss me back into the wild again, but we both know that'll never work. I'd just find my way back to you," he hummed, not taking any of Bones's words to heart. Smiling at the last bit, he winked at the doctor, lifting a shoulder. "Guess you're stuck with me for good now."

As if Bones regretted ever letting him close, honestly. He'd never manage to get Jim to believe that, no matter how serious he looked as he said it.

He looked slightly surprised as Bones turned to face him, taking him a moment to even piece together where he was going with this. Once he got a vague idea, though, his lips stretched into a faint smirk, and he settled a hand on Bones's upper arm as he took half a step closer. Probably half a step too close, but honestly he wasn't going to pass up on the chance to tease Bones right back.

"Please. Do tell me what you really feel."

Yeah, that wouldn't happen. Leonard knew damn well he couldn't throw Jim out to save his life. But he had to admit, hearing Jim say he'd find his way back hit a nerve. It sent a rush of warmth through his chest that gave him too much false courage to meet Jim head on when he turned to look him in the eye like that and fucking dared him to do what he offered in joking.

Narrowing his eyes thoughtfully at the blonde, he considered it a second and suddenly reached out to hit the stop button on the lift and pushed Jim slowly back against the wall with a hand on his chest. If Jim wanted to play that game, he was damn well going to play it. And maybe it just went to show how much sleep he wasn't getting by even agreeing to this... but fuck it, he didn't want to back down from that challenge.

"You really want to know what I feel?" He hummed a low, rumbling sound as he pressed his hand to the wall right next to Jim's head as he leaned in closer. And maybe it took a helluva lot of steeling of the nerves, but he kept his expression loose with only the slightest curl to the corners of his lips.

"I think you're damn crazy, but brilliant. Brilliant enough to move the universe and put some of those stars to shame. I think you carry the whole damn weight of the galaxy on your shoulders like a big damn hero cause sometimes you can't bear to carry your own." He paused a moment and for a second he bit his lip as he considered how he didn't mean to actually say that last part. But hell. Let's just be honest.

"So when I look at you, all I want to do is carry that weight for you. Cause when I say your handsome, it's not like those girls that you take home or the pretty smiles you drag out of people. I say it cause you're like gravity. Fucking moth to the flame and I don't even want out of that orbit. There isn't another single living soul in the universe quite as stupidly selfless as you, but there's no one else I'd follow into hell either. So if you want to know what I feel about you, James Tiberius Kirk? To be perfectly honest? There are no words to describe it." Punctuating that sharply, he leaned away and instantly slapped his hand on the button to let the lift keep going. He didn't want to wait for Jim to answer.

Hell, he only gave in cause he felt pushed to on top of the fact that Jim just seemed so damn insecure sometimes under all that damn bravado. Didn't mean he could look at Jim right now. No, he might start on fire if he had to face whatever expression might be on the other man's face right then.

Jim was prepared for a lot of responses to that, among them Bones actually telling the truth while partly teasing him right back, which would likely end with them making some light joke of it. Him waving it all off with some remark of how the ship's still in one piece and perfectly capable of handling his inflated ego.

He didn't expect the way Bones turned towards him, though, and pushed him back against the wall, that alone enough to drive him to distraction as confusion and surprise took him for a moment. He was about to ask why stop the lift at all, actually, but whatever questions he had at the tip of his tongue got pushed away from his mind when Bones started talking, eyebrows knit as his arms stilled to his sides, nervous for no reason whatsoever.

That wasn't really what he'd asked. It didn't feel like it, even though Bones was answering to the letter, but it was... Jim couldn't explain. He did know the words felt like too much, too heavy, sitting in his chest and making it a little hard to breathe, squeezing his heart so tight that it nearly hurt. Blue eyes never left Bones's face, though, and he was all but glued to the wall even when Bones moved away again and pressed the button on the lift.

His gaze dropped then, down to the floor, lingering there for a moment before looking back up, landing on Bones's nape and staying there. The truth had been what he'd asked for, hadn't it? He couldn't quite tell why it made him feel like this. Honestly he didn't even know how it made him feel, but it was the strangest mix between happy and hurt, lost and grateful, sad, confused and relieved. He was speechless too, and even though he opened his mouth to talk, there was nothing but silence until the lift came to a halt and the doors opened.

He nearly started at the sound, and suddenly snapping back to reality, he stood upright, clearing his throat as he stepped out of the lift, walking past Bones and nodding for him to follow. "Come on."

The silence weighed on him, but he refused to move. If Jim didn't want to react in a way he'd see it, he'd leave him be. He didn't do the whole sappy singin' of praises. Leonard only told the harsh truth if he had to speak out on what he felt. Sometimes it wasn't pretty even if it was utterly and completely heartfelt. He'd done the whole suck up pretty words with Jocelyn. Look how well that worked out for him.

Why he made that comparison in his head, he really didn't know. Probably didn't want to know. He'd dealt with enough of the mixed unexplainable feelings when it came to Jim all the way back from the Academy to now. And god knows, the only other person he cried that much over when they died was his father. But that... that didn't need to be told to anyone. Jim didn't need to know about that length of time he sat on the floor in his hospital room praying to any god that would listen to keep Jim alive. Let it work. No one needed to know about that shit.

Which was why, he simply cupped his hands behind his back and straightened his posture as he felt Jim move around him to leave the lift. Without a word, he fell in behind and moved toward the shuttles. No point in apologizin' for what he said. He wasn't sorry for it. But he was sorry for upsettin' Jim that much.

Letting out a sigh, he followed him all the way to the shuttle and slid into the co-pilot seat and frowned at the controls. "Would it make you feel better if I just said you're pretty?" Okay, joking wasn't the best idea. But he had to try something as he turned his head and arched a brow at Jim. Hell, in for a penny in for a pound. "Cause darlin, when I first saw you I looked for a signature cause every master piece has one."

He managed to keep a straight face for all of a second before he looked away and laughed to himself. Okay. It was lame. But it was meant to be. And he needed Jim to laugh. Anything that looked normal.

Jim wasn't all that upset, not really. Above all else, he was just a little at a loss of what to do or say to all that, and it wasn't often that he was practically stunned into silence. It never ceased to surprise him how unexpected the doctor could be sometimes, when often he felt like he knew him back and forth like an open book he's read far too many times.

But he wasn't upset, and he wouldn't want to hear apologies over him ever speaking his mind, or his heart. And he'd asked for honesty, hadn't he? Well, that was exactly what he got.

The silence was unusually uncomfortable, though. All the way to the shuttle he couldn't manage to put a single thought to words, and he was still going over everything Bones had said in his head as they settled into their seats and he closed the shuttle door, going over the systems as the engines revved up slowly.

Bones broke the silence before he got to, the sound of his voice almost too sudden for him to catch the first few words. Eyes lifting towards the doctor, he seemed almost surprised to find the doctor talking, his eyebrows raising slightly at what Bones said more than anything.

Then, just as Bones started chuckling, he let out a loud snort and a laugh, smile stretched across his lips as he grinned wide, frame relaxing considerably as the sound filled the air around them.

"My God," he started, a hand propped on the armrest and cupping half his mouth, voice lilting as he kept laughing. "That has got to be the worst pick up line I have ever heard."

And that was saying a lot, coming from him. Still, it amused him immensely, and he was grateful that Bones took the initiative and ended the awkwardness between them. Leaning to the side, he put a hand on Bones's shoulder and planted a quick peck on his cheek, smiling as he pulled away. "Thanks, Bones."

Not for the praise, whether it was true or not, but for lightening up the air around them, in a way making things right again. Buckling up, he turned to the dashboard, going through every step to get the shuttle up in the air.

A complete feeling of relief filtered through him the moment Jim started to laugh. All the tension in his back and shoulders loosened and he grinned at the blonde lightly as he watched him laugh. "What? You expected a good one? You get what ya get till you give me a better line. So don't be picky, prince not-so-charming."

Rolling his eyes affectionately, he turned his head back to the controls only to stop entirely as he felt Jim grab his arm and kiss his cheek. And that? That sent the strangest sensation fluttering through his chest in a rush. Breathing softly, he swallowed down that feeling and snorted lightly. "Sure, sure. But I ain't budgin' on that fact till I get something better than your left over lines."

Leaning back in the seat, he let his mind go thoughtful over it all. Over how it felt for all those strangely close moments that he always did such a damn good job of ignoring and quickly came to the conclusion to ignore it again. Some jars should not be opened.

"Shut up, you jerk," his tone was warm and affectionate even as he said that, voice lilting as he chuckled faintly, nudging Bones's foot with his own. "You loved that line. Don't you dare lie to me."

Yeah, this was right. This was how things were supposed to be, not that awkward uncomfortable silence that was threatening to weigh on their shoulders all the way back to the Enterprise. Jim for one was very glad that Bones took the initiative and eased things around them again, and if there was anything else lingering underneath the surface, he either accepted it thoughtlessly or he didn't even notice at all.

"But fine, challenge accepted," he raised an eyebrow pointedly as he looked at Bones, lips twitching into a lopsided smile as he shot him a wink, then faced the window, reaching for the controls. "Time to head home."

Or as close to home as they got around here. Certainly was home for Jim, at least.

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( closed ) sometimes your best isn't good enough

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