starlogs | ( closed ) sometimes your best isn't good enough

God damn asshole.

He slowed his retreat only because he didn't necessarily want to leave Jim behind. Just get away from other living beings that might be staring at them after Jim went and... Fuck... Thinking about it only made the heat get worse in his face. Really, where did he get off flirting like that..? And why was he feeling so... embarrassed by Jim's shenanigans?

"Yeah well, your teasing sucks." He huffed softly and hesitated a bit before sliding an arm about Jim's back to steady him. Normally that kind of move didn't bother him. Normal as breathin'. Now it just made the heat in his face stick. Especially, when he added that last part. Granted, this time he lifted his head to look at Jim silently for a moment. "Stop lyin' like that. You're just tryin' to get out of hot water."

Huffing softly, he kept moving out of the Eluvio medical, mind set on getting back to the Enterprise. "That or I need to scan that head of yours again. You're delusional."

That was nice. Not that Jim needed the support (really, he didn't), but he still let his weight lean a little against Bones, making sure to keep up with his pace rather than hinder him. At least if he felt a little dizzy he knew he had Bones to help him stay upright and not trip over his own feet somehow.

"I'm not lying! And what hot water are you talking about?" He certainly didn't see any trouble he could be trying to get out of by saying that to Bones, honestly— if anything it seemed like the doctor could very well find very inventive ways to get back at him for the teasing.

"Shut up, Bones. You're cute. Deal with it," he said succinctly, fingers tapping lightly at Bones's forehead.

"Oh please. I know you too well to know you're playin' coy." He snorted softly, but some of the teasing was back in his tone as he pinched Jim's side softly. But he wasn't about to give in to Jim sayin' somethin' so strange to him. "My ex would beg to differ." His voice came out a low drawl before he rolled his eyes.

Cute. Right. Rubbing at his forehead where Jim tapped him, he gave him a long suffering look before continuing off to the docking bay to get to the shuttle for the Enterprise. "And where I'm sure you just love people callin' ya cute, I'm not much for that word and it doesn't fit." He pointed that out evenly before shaking his head.

Dropping his gaze to Jim, he added, "Your compliments suck. People fall for that junk?" Damn near pathetic actually considering how good Jim did when finding someone to take home. "And really... just cause you wouldn't put any effort into flirtin' with me, doesn't mean I should have to endure your lame rejects. No sense of decency, I tell ya." Yes. He could fit into grousing and being critical. It got his mind of other things botherin' him.

Namely why Jim flirting at all bothered him.

"Well then, your ex is wrong," he stated matter-of-factly, as if not open for discussion. Besides, serious or not, wasn't all that just a matter of personal taste? People could very well have different views on the same subject. So Jim was sticking to his own, thank you very much.

"Fine, then," he huffed, letting his hand drop and his arm hang loosely from Bones's shoulder. "You're very handsome. There. Better?" Certainly didn't cross his mind it could possibly make things worse. He was pretty sure he'd told Bones that a couple times before, anyway— mostly when he was trying to get the doctor to find someone nice and have a good time back at the Academy. Not that it had really worked, but it wasn't like that was what he was trying to do this time around, so it didn't matter.

Rolling his eyes upwards, Jim shook his head at the grousing. "Sure. Be mean about it if it makes you feel better. But I did make you blush, so it can't have been all that terrible." He lifted a hand up in a sort of defeated gesture. "If it bothers you this much, though, I'll shut up."

All of it just bounced about strangelike in his head. The notion of being called handsome or even cute never bothered him. Hell... it rolled right off of him with little notice or weight. But Jim saying it, even in the past stuck with him.

Not necessarily in an uncomfortable fashion. More in a way that for some moments he wanted to believe it. And when he turned his head to lock hazel eyes on Jim's profile, it dawned on him that the flirting only fed the fire that was started for a whole other reason.

"You said you would try to always come back..." it came out before he could stop it. The loud resounding thought that for a moment made him feel like maybe it was for him. Added on to that other compliment. So why not fess up? "And you said..." He bit his lips as the blush flared up again.

His voice got softer, quieter in ways that even smoothed out his accent. "Guess it meant a helluva lot that you think I'm the best doctor for you." Ducking his head a little, his face burned now like he had a fever.

"Not used it." That much attention or value. Even the damn flirtatious remarks made him dare to feel important. To Jim. "Just.. dumb thoughts is all."

Jim's playful demeanor died down quickly with the slight shift to the topic. An eyebrow raised and he turned his head to look more seriously at Bones, though he didn't interrupt him until he was through with whatever he was trying to say. Even if it felt like the doctor was leaving a part of it unsaid, but it didn't matter. Jim understood enough, so he believed.

"You're not the best doctor for me," he said, settling his other hand on Bones's chest if only to get his attention. "You're the only doctor for me."

And the best too, of course, but that didn't need to be said when Jim would rely on no other so long as Bones was around. He was just glad that he was around, selfish though that may be.

He smiled again, his hand dropping as the other arm tightened briefly around Bones's shoulders. "You know you're important to me, right? You're not just some guy I keep around because you're a good doctor. You're my best friend, Bones."

His head lifted at the feeling of Jim’s hand on his chest. Leonard’s brow furrowed as he looked at the blonde and didn’t even realize he was holding his breath. And god, such a silly admission shouldn’t make his lips curl upward like they did and he had to look off to the side as the corners of his eyes crinkled just a little with the warmth that coiled up in his chest.

Huffing a small almost laugh, he shook his head. Jim had a way of surprising him. Always surprising him.

His free hand rose to run through his hair, causing it to stick up in various directions, especially after the last few days they’d had and god he wanted a shower. But his hand stilled as Jim said that last part. His eyes locked on some random panel on the floor before he finally looked up at him and gave him a slight smile. “I know. Likewise… without the doctor part.”

He hesitated a moment at that and pursed his lips before breathing out the next word. “Thanks.” Because where he cognitively knew that, he sometimes got a little frustrated. It didn’t always look like the truth. But that was just a petty sort of jealousy that he tried desperately to ignore. It was just… silly anyway. It shouldn’t matter if Jim seemed more aware of Spock’s actions and presence and that was neither here nor there in the current situation.

“C’mon, I could use a shower and some rest. I feel like I haven’t had either in a week.”

He figured Bones needed the reassurance, sometimes. Or the reminder. Whatever he wanted to call it. Jim felt like he showed it clearly enough most times, but then he also tended to not notice how Bones could be especially sensitive at times— not touchy, mind. Just more aware of some things than even Jim was.

Besides, it didn't hurt to say it. Not like he was as emotionally stunted now as he used to be when they'd first met, and he didn't exactly shy away from saying how he felt anymore. And if it got such a warm smile out of Bones as a reaction? Well then, he was definitely glad he'd brought that up.

"Anytime, Bones," he smiled back, poking his nose playfully before dropping his arm to his side again. "For what it's worth, you don't smell like you haven't showered in a week. But yeah, that does sound nice."

Snorting softly, he shook his head a little. "Well, glad I don't smell like death." He might have been upset if Jim had kept his distance just cause he wreaked. Not that he would say anything. Probably make a joke about how it worked in his favor to keep people away that were annoyances.

Still, he felt pretty damn good just from those simple reassurances even if he couldn't quite explain why they made him feel so good. "I'll be sure and get those bruises done away with first, alright?" Jim's health first. God knows he always put that first.

"C'mon darlin, let's get going." When he squeezed him softly, he knew it was more like a hug than anything else. "And so you know... even if you've made me a helluva mess, still.. meetin' you ranks up there in the best things that ever happened to me." In fact, it was the only thing he ranked at the top with the birth of his daughter.

"Yeah, don't worry about those. I've had worse." A lot worse, actually, and Bones knew Jim didn't always rush to heal every cut and bruise he got. Actually he often sported a few small injuries after some of their riskier missions for a few days after— though Jim knew it drove the doctor crazy that he didn't care about having them cleared up faster.

"You've got a funny way of praising a guy, just so you know," he said pointedly, though with a teasing smile, eyebrow raised at Bones. Not that he could take it to heart much, not when he knew very well he was a pretty consistent source of stress for the doctor.

"I know it's hard to believe, but I don't tell you I want to heal them simply cause I want you in one piece. Well, I do... but, it's cause I don't like thinking of leavin' anything I can fix. It's... something I can fix." Because there were things he couldn't fix for Jim. And that bothered him. It hurt to think there were things he fell short at.

But bein' a doctor? He could do that.

"Yeah well, if I gave you solid praise, sweetheart, your ego would inflate and crowd all of us mere mortals into space cause there ain't enough room for all of us and your ego." Smirking softly, he let his eyes shift to Jim's and he gave him a sly but lovely smile before huffing an amused sound. "I like to think I'm doin' the world a service by keepin' your feet mostly, metaphorically on the ground."

Jim was about to argue that some things didn't need fixing, but that would steer the conversation away from the light and playful tone they'd set up, and he was rather liking that. So instead, he acquiesced. "Fine. Since you insist, we'll take care of these bruises first. You can me look like a proper captain again instead of a— what was it you call me once? Oh, right. An alley cat."

Not that he'd been especially offended because... well, at the time, Bones had had a point. He looked like a mess far too often during their Academy days, but Bones had always been there to patch him up. Jim liked that he still did that. A lot, actually.

"You ass," he said through a chuckle, poking at Bones's side as they stepped into a lift that would take them to the hangar. "The Enterprise has managed to withstand my ego more than well so far, I'm sure the Eluvio would be just fine too."

"Damn alley cat I should never have picked up off the streets. Mama always warned me about stray cats and lettin' them follow me home." And where that comment made him suddenly miss his mother terribly, he covered that sting with a smile. "Granted, she loves the hell out of you so I guess I can't even use that as proof no more."

Chuckling in return, he stared at Jim a long moment before turning to face him. He honestly had mixed feelings about just dumping praise on Jim. Everyone else did, but then turned around and slapped him down with negative shit. And god knew the admiralty loved messin' with him.

"So you say." Not that he was going to point out any times the ship pretty much got beaten up or injured so to speak. Those moments she was at her worst not even he wanted to think about. Reaching up, he lightly cuffed under Jim's chin with hsi knuckles before rolling his eyes. "So what do you want me to do, Jim? Sing your praises and tell you what I really feel?"

"I'd tell you to try and toss me back into the wild again, but we both know that'll never work. I'd just find my way back to you," he hummed, not taking any of Bones's words to heart. Smiling at the last bit, he winked at the doctor, lifting a shoulder. "Guess you're stuck with me for good now."

As if Bones regretted ever letting him close, honestly. He'd never manage to get Jim to believe that, no matter how serious he looked as he said it.

He looked slightly surprised as Bones turned to face him, taking him a moment to even piece together where he was going with this. Once he got a vague idea, though, his lips stretched into a faint smirk, and he settled a hand on Bones's upper arm as he took half a step closer. Probably half a step too close, but honestly he wasn't going to pass up on the chance to tease Bones right back.

"Please. Do tell me what you really feel."

Yeah, that wouldn't happen. Leonard knew damn well he couldn't throw Jim out to save his life. But he had to admit, hearing Jim say he'd find his way back hit a nerve. It sent a rush of warmth through his chest that gave him too much false courage to meet Jim head on when he turned to look him in the eye like that and fucking dared him to do what he offered in joking.

Narrowing his eyes thoughtfully at the blonde, he considered it a second and suddenly reached out to hit the stop button on the lift and pushed Jim slowly back against the wall with a hand on his chest. If Jim wanted to play that game, he was damn well going to play it. And maybe it just went to show how much sleep he wasn't getting by even agreeing to this... but fuck it, he didn't want to back down from that challenge.

"You really want to know what I feel?" He hummed a low, rumbling sound as he pressed his hand to the wall right next to Jim's head as he leaned in closer. And maybe it took a helluva lot of steeling of the nerves, but he kept his expression loose with only the slightest curl to the corners of his lips.

"I think you're damn crazy, but brilliant. Brilliant enough to move the universe and put some of those stars to shame. I think you carry the whole damn weight of the galaxy on your shoulders like a big damn hero cause sometimes you can't bear to carry your own." He paused a moment and for a second he bit his lip as he considered how he didn't mean to actually say that last part. But hell. Let's just be honest.

"So when I look at you, all I want to do is carry that weight for you. Cause when I say your handsome, it's not like those girls that you take home or the pretty smiles you drag out of people. I say it cause you're like gravity. Fucking moth to the flame and I don't even want out of that orbit. There isn't another single living soul in the universe quite as stupidly selfless as you, but there's no one else I'd follow into hell either. So if you want to know what I feel about you, James Tiberius Kirk? To be perfectly honest? There are no words to describe it." Punctuating that sharply, he leaned away and instantly slapped his hand on the button to let the lift keep going. He didn't want to wait for Jim to answer.

Hell, he only gave in cause he felt pushed to on top of the fact that Jim just seemed so damn insecure sometimes under all that damn bravado. Didn't mean he could look at Jim right now. No, he might start on fire if he had to face whatever expression might be on the other man's face right then.

Jim was prepared for a lot of responses to that, among them Bones actually telling the truth while partly teasing him right back, which would likely end with them making some light joke of it. Him waving it all off with some remark of how the ship's still in one piece and perfectly capable of handling his inflated ego.

He didn't expect the way Bones turned towards him, though, and pushed him back against the wall, that alone enough to drive him to distraction as confusion and surprise took him for a moment. He was about to ask why stop the lift at all, actually, but whatever questions he had at the tip of his tongue got pushed away from his mind when Bones started talking, eyebrows knit as his arms stilled to his sides, nervous for no reason whatsoever.

That wasn't really what he'd asked. It didn't feel like it, even though Bones was answering to the letter, but it was... Jim couldn't explain. He did know the words felt like too much, too heavy, sitting in his chest and making it a little hard to breathe, squeezing his heart so tight that it nearly hurt. Blue eyes never left Bones's face, though, and he was all but glued to the wall even when Bones moved away again and pressed the button on the lift.

His gaze dropped then, down to the floor, lingering there for a moment before looking back up, landing on Bones's nape and staying there. The truth had been what he'd asked for, hadn't it? He couldn't quite tell why it made him feel like this. Honestly he didn't even know how it made him feel, but it was the strangest mix between happy and hurt, lost and grateful, sad, confused and relieved. He was speechless too, and even though he opened his mouth to talk, there was nothing but silence until the lift came to a halt and the doors opened.

He nearly started at the sound, and suddenly snapping back to reality, he stood upright, clearing his throat as he stepped out of the lift, walking past Bones and nodding for him to follow. "Come on."

The silence weighed on him, but he refused to move. If Jim didn't want to react in a way he'd see it, he'd leave him be. He didn't do the whole sappy singin' of praises. Leonard only told the harsh truth if he had to speak out on what he felt. Sometimes it wasn't pretty even if it was utterly and completely heartfelt. He'd done the whole suck up pretty words with Jocelyn. Look how well that worked out for him.

Why he made that comparison in his head, he really didn't know. Probably didn't want to know. He'd dealt with enough of the mixed unexplainable feelings when it came to Jim all the way back from the Academy to now. And god knows, the only other person he cried that much over when they died was his father. But that... that didn't need to be told to anyone. Jim didn't need to know about that length of time he sat on the floor in his hospital room praying to any god that would listen to keep Jim alive. Let it work. No one needed to know about that shit.

Which was why, he simply cupped his hands behind his back and straightened his posture as he felt Jim move around him to leave the lift. Without a word, he fell in behind and moved toward the shuttles. No point in apologizin' for what he said. He wasn't sorry for it. But he was sorry for upsettin' Jim that much.

Letting out a sigh, he followed him all the way to the shuttle and slid into the co-pilot seat and frowned at the controls. "Would it make you feel better if I just said you're pretty?" Okay, joking wasn't the best idea. But he had to try something as he turned his head and arched a brow at Jim. Hell, in for a penny in for a pound. "Cause darlin, when I first saw you I looked for a signature cause every master piece has one."

He managed to keep a straight face for all of a second before he looked away and laughed to himself. Okay. It was lame. But it was meant to be. And he needed Jim to laugh. Anything that looked normal.

Jim wasn't all that upset, not really. Above all else, he was just a little at a loss of what to do or say to all that, and it wasn't often that he was practically stunned into silence. It never ceased to surprise him how unexpected the doctor could be sometimes, when often he felt like he knew him back and forth like an open book he's read far too many times.

But he wasn't upset, and he wouldn't want to hear apologies over him ever speaking his mind, or his heart. And he'd asked for honesty, hadn't he? Well, that was exactly what he got.

The silence was unusually uncomfortable, though. All the way to the shuttle he couldn't manage to put a single thought to words, and he was still going over everything Bones had said in his head as they settled into their seats and he closed the shuttle door, going over the systems as the engines revved up slowly.

Bones broke the silence before he got to, the sound of his voice almost too sudden for him to catch the first few words. Eyes lifting towards the doctor, he seemed almost surprised to find the doctor talking, his eyebrows raising slightly at what Bones said more than anything.

Then, just as Bones started chuckling, he let out a loud snort and a laugh, smile stretched across his lips as he grinned wide, frame relaxing considerably as the sound filled the air around them.

"My God," he started, a hand propped on the armrest and cupping half his mouth, voice lilting as he kept laughing. "That has got to be the worst pick up line I have ever heard."

And that was saying a lot, coming from him. Still, it amused him immensely, and he was grateful that Bones took the initiative and ended the awkwardness between them. Leaning to the side, he put a hand on Bones's shoulder and planted a quick peck on his cheek, smiling as he pulled away. "Thanks, Bones."

Not for the praise, whether it was true or not, but for lightening up the air around them, in a way making things right again. Buckling up, he turned to the dashboard, going through every step to get the shuttle up in the air.

A complete feeling of relief filtered through him the moment Jim started to laugh. All the tension in his back and shoulders loosened and he grinned at the blonde lightly as he watched him laugh. "What? You expected a good one? You get what ya get till you give me a better line. So don't be picky, prince not-so-charming."

Rolling his eyes affectionately, he turned his head back to the controls only to stop entirely as he felt Jim grab his arm and kiss his cheek. And that? That sent the strangest sensation fluttering through his chest in a rush. Breathing softly, he swallowed down that feeling and snorted lightly. "Sure, sure. But I ain't budgin' on that fact till I get something better than your left over lines."

Leaning back in the seat, he let his mind go thoughtful over it all. Over how it felt for all those strangely close moments that he always did such a damn good job of ignoring and quickly came to the conclusion to ignore it again. Some jars should not be opened.

"Shut up, you jerk," his tone was warm and affectionate even as he said that, voice lilting as he chuckled faintly, nudging Bones's foot with his own. "You loved that line. Don't you dare lie to me."

Yeah, this was right. This was how things were supposed to be, not that awkward uncomfortable silence that was threatening to weigh on their shoulders all the way back to the Enterprise. Jim for one was very glad that Bones took the initiative and eased things around them again, and if there was anything else lingering underneath the surface, he either accepted it thoughtlessly or he didn't even notice at all.

"But fine, challenge accepted," he raised an eyebrow pointedly as he looked at Bones, lips twitching into a lopsided smile as he shot him a wink, then faced the window, reaching for the controls. "Time to head home."

Or as close to home as they got around here. Certainly was home for Jim, at least.

( closed ) sometimes your best isn't good enough

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